Bodys are Awesome!

Says this kick-ass massage therapist…

Poll – First Dates

Where is the best place to go out on a first date?
(polls)

Orgasm, Inc.

A few weeks ago Unicorn and I watched a documentary on Netflix called Orgasm, Inc.  The film discusses the unnecessary medicalization of the inability of women to attain orgasm.  In essence, (spoiler alert — but women already know this) the problem women have with reaching orgasm have nothing to do with their bodies and everything to do with our society and our minds.

First, from the time we are young we are taught that we are not pretty enough.  Media images, our peers, every where we look there are messages about beauty standards and how we aren’t attaining them.  This causes unrealistic expectations for women (and men) regarding female attractiveness.  It is also part of why I love this internet meme (aside from the fact that they are all femme and white):

Bottom half, way hotter.

Secondly, one in four women are the victims of sexual violence in their life.  And these are just the women who report it.  Of course women are going to have a difficult time reaching climax if sex has brought pain, shame and powerlessness to them in the past.

Finally, women are taught that we are the arbiters of sexual relations.  Our society argues that men want sex, sex is bad, and that it is the job of women to police sexual activity.  I call bullshit.

In the 1950s Alfred Kinsey’s famous study of sexuality was released.  In addition to finding out that straight people like to have gay sex (gasp!) he also discovered that women enjoy sex (interestingly, this was the more shocking finding at the time).  Nevertheless, so many women are taught that sexual pleasure is wrong and that they should work to prevent it.

Anyway, all of this to say that it is no wonder women have such messed up relationships to their bodies and sex.  It is heartbreaking.

Last night I was at a dinner party with some friends and a few acquaintances.  During the dinner we played a board game version of Never Have I Ever.  As the game went on I learned that none of the other women at the table had ever used sex toys – even a vibrator – and none had ever seen pornography.  I was shocked!  It makes me so sad to think that so many women are so unaware of their bodies.  So unaware of what they like, what they don’t like.  So ashamed of sexual pleasure.

So, it is my plea, that all you women out there get down with yourself.  Get to your nearest feminist sex shop and do some exploring. You can thank me later.

Gendered Expectations in Dating

In her last post Unicorn mentioned that she has had very different experiences in dating men and women. She and I come at this process from different perspectives. She has mostly dated women and I have mostly dated men. As we move forward in our bi-poly exploration I’ve been struck by the differences in expectations between men and women in dating. As a sociologist, I’m really interested in how our socialization and conditioning have shaped this. A few things I’ve noticed:

As Unicorn mentioned, relationships move very quickly with women. After just a few dates you get bombarded with text messages, expectations of monogamy, and intense desires to meet up regularly. With men, when you are early in dating its more typical to see one another once a week (maybe twice) and to receive a couple texts a week. (Obviously there are exceptions).

I also learned from a couple of friends who date women that, if it isn’t stated otherwise, it is expected that both parties are monogamous and dating from the first date forward. With men, I think it is assumed everyone is dating someone else unless there is a conversation about monogamy.

Now, I don’t believe that there is something innate that makes women want to settle down and men want to explore. Unicorn and I are clearly two exceptions to that rule… But, my broader point is that I think it is something we are socialized to do. But why?

Unicorn and I have both recently read Sex At Dawn which provides an anthropological look at human sexuality.  It argues that monogamy wasn’t common until human societies transitioned to be agriculturally based – when it mattered if people knew who there kids were and which mouths they had to feed/would help them on the farm.  Why then, centuries later, have we stayed stuck in this pattern?  Why do women fight to hard to claim territory?  (In my experience, men do this later in the relationship and with equal fierceness, but… you get my point).  Thoughts?

In the meantime, read Sex at Dawn.

Liking as to wanting

I had the most lovely experience last week, of going to a coffee shop and seeing the most wonderful man waiting for me in a booth.  He smiled at me immediately, acknowledging his luck at my arrival, and he immediately started up a lively conversation that lasted the better part of four hours.  We talked about everything and about all these nerdy pursuits that we both have.  This is the kind of person that I love- a person that can make conversation about anything, because they are truly interested in everything.  I was told once by an ex that I am the easiest person in the world to buy a present for- because I like almost everything in the world.  I am also an easy person to please on a date- take me to any museum and I will be happy because I am learning something.

Anyway, as this man talked, I studied his face, his eyes, his little beard and curly dark hair, and I knew that this would be a good man to have children with.  And who knew that was such a factor for me?  But at the same time I got a little scared feeling, because I don’t want to date one person or I guess for one person to ask me to stop dating people.  But as PHOENIX counseled me later, with men you get more leeway.  I’m used to dating women, when it feels to me almost as though a bird has snatched me up to drag me to her nest.  [yes, I understand that statement is problematic.  but my experiences were problematic, to put it lightly]  So at the end of the date, I got shy and only hugged him.  He said he would call me this next week if he has time (we are both so very busy).  If he calls me or not, I’m fine, because I’m just happy to have met him.  

-U

That’s right!

from Grrrl Virus

Aggression

Unicorn speaking…

So I went out tonight and had that odd experience of male aggression mingled with hotness. When he pulled my hair, I honestly gasped in pleasure, but when I said, “Take me home,” and he just grabbed me again under my shirt, I got a bit turned off. Why can’t men just be a little aggressive? Why don’t they know where to draw the line? I told him, “You’re not coming home with me,” and still he persisted. What part of that was not clear? Though I admit that when he grabbed me, I kissed him back. And he smelled and tasted wonderful.

His parting words, “Am I ever going to see you again?” went up like a giant red flag. Is this what he does with girls? Just grabs as much as he can in one session because he thinks there won’t be a second one? I mean, I’m so confused. He was hot as hell. If he would tone down the aggression, girls would want to be with him again.

He also said, “If I were a girl, you’d let me come upstairs with you.” Well, so what? Maybe I would and maybe I wouldn’t. That’s my choice, right? Don’t try to shame me into doing something for you by using my sexuality as a lever.

Harassment Day

Unicorn here-

Patrice O’Neal is one of my guilty-viewing pleasures on YouTube. I was hooked after a friend showed me “Typical White Guy Crimes” and it was over after that (unfortunately, Patrice passed away from a diabetes-related stroke this fall). While incredibly raunchy, Patrice’s stand-up routines were remarkably spot-on, whether while reflecting on male-female relations, racism in the US, or the difficulties of living with diabetes. “Harassment Day” is one of my favorite of his bits.

While it would be ridiculous to have a holiday solely for sexually harassing co-workers, how wonderful would it be if we could express our desires in an open and honest way, every day? If we could tell people that we wanted them and continue on from there? One of the hardest things in my life has been telling people what I want, even though I know perfectly well what it is that I want- I want to have a lot of sex with a lot of hot people. My new goal is to put everything out there, and to be open with people.

Round Two?

Greetings dear reader! Phoenix here with a burning question: how do you decide if you want to go out with someone a second time?

You are probably thinking: “what a silly question, of course you’ll know if the date was good or bad”.  I assure you, I don’t have a clue.

Since setting off on this journey a week ago, I’ve gone out with six different people – and have a seventh date set for tonight (and one next week).  Clearly I can’t manage to date eight different people – but I enjoyed talking to nearly all of these matches.

Part of the struggle I’m having is due to the fact that dating websites do the work for you.  Before you go out with someone, you know if you are attracted to them (at least as they appear in photos) and you know their politics and interests are aligned with yours.  That eliminates 70% of the reasons to stop dating someone.

Perhaps the problem is that I’m just a great conversationalist (you don’t know me, but that is sarcasm).  All but one of the dates has lasted at least three hours – hours filled with enjoyable conversation about politics, families, and interests.  I have literally enjoyed getting to know all (except for one) of these individuals.  How do you decide to go out with a second time?

I know that one person is out of the running to get to keep dating me.  That date occurred earlier today.  On paper he should probably be my best match – our politics and interests are all aligned.  The problem?  He barely stopped talking for me to get a word in edgewise.  That would have been OK if he was funny, but he is even more serious than me (and I am pretty serious, my online profile contains exactly one humorous remark).  Clearly dating this person would result in me being bored by the very things I love to talk about.

 

That leaves me with seven (assuming these last two dates go well).

You may say the issue is chemistry – but I feel both complete chemistry when I’m with these people and absolutely none when we are apart.  I’m not sitting at home pining after one, waiting for them to text me (presumably because there are so many so my phone is blowing up).

I did have sex with one, so I guess that means he gets to see me again…

So, help me, dear reader.  Tell me stories of bad dates you’ve had.  How have you decided who to go out with a second time?

 

Our Project

We are a team of bisexual (really, pansexual) women who have recently set out to free ourselves from the bondage of our protestant upbringings and embrace the exploration of ourselves, our sexuality, and our relations to other people.  With the help of online dating websites we have opened our hearts, minds and lives to freely experience love, sex and emotion.  This blog is a place where we will share our observations, challenges, and joys.  It is our hope that our adventure can help others who desire to make similar leaps and to inspire all of us to question the way we love ourselves and others, the lessons we’ve been taught about sexuality, and our relationship to our own bodies.  We hope you enjoy hearing about our experiences as much as we delight in having them.